Since last posting, I have endured another 3 weeks of Gem-Zar, complete with wicked side effects. Also had a PT/CT scan and saw the oncologist yesterday. The scan report did not reveal any improvement; however, the oncologist thought that on viewing of the CT scan, she felt that the liver showed some decrease in activity. It is the oncologist's opinion that the chemo I have been undergoing has perhaps (?) had some effect on the advancement of the pain from the spinal tumors.
I told the doc that I did not want to continue with the Gem-Zar due to the extremely severe side effects. I needed to make a decision between going off of chemo altogether or trying another IV chemo option. I agreed to try a different one (Abraxane); but I am certain that, if I experience negative side effects, I will stop the chemo altogether and we will go into palliative care / hospice mode.
So the bottom line is that the cancer is advancing and my days here are numbered.
I finally pinned down my oncologist to give me a time-table. This is always a difficult question for patients to ask and for oncologists to answer. "How much time do I have left, doc?" I told my oncologist that I was well aware that I was "on the exit ramp." Could she possibly give me a ball park guestimation of when I might reach the stop sign at the end of that ramp?
Her response was, "Not years; not weeks; months."
Deep down in my gut I sort of knew that this was the case. I have been preparing; getting my ducks in a row. Friends and family have stepped up to help me prepare. Many have come to say their last good-byes. Shelves are being organized (thanks to my wonderful daughter), closets cleaned out, items being given away.
I have derived pleasure (some would call this perverse; but alas, it is the case) in planning the music for my funeral. As a church musician, I have sung and played for probably hundreds of funerals. It does not seem strange for me to be organizing my own parting ceremony; in this way, I will very much be a participant in saying good-bye to everyone.
I don't know if I will be making any more post entries to this blog. This latest news is as difficult to write as I'm sure it is for many of you to read. Thank you for accompanying me on this Road Less Traveled journey. I am grateful for all of the love and support my dear friends and family have spread before me.
My daughter has access to this blog as an administrator and will keep you all posted when I make my way to the end of the exit ramp.
Enjoy each day as a precious gift, everyone. Live with gratitude.
