Never Say Never

When first traveling this road, I used to say "I will never take chemotherapy." Then two years ago, I went on IV chemo. Never Say Never? Once off of that (just last February), I decided to give the vitamin C a try. I wanted to say Never Chemo, Ever Again. But I didn't actually say it. I just thought it, hoping that my condition would improve.

Well, if the vitamin C infusions have helped, I will never know it. I have gone off of the C therapy earlier than I had planned and am back on chemo.

How did this happen?

I hurt my back. Or.... maybe I didn't actually hurt it myself; maybe the little "twinges" I was feeling in my lower back and hip were the cancer lesions in the bone and spine just waiting to grab me? In any case, they have REALLY grabbed me. I started feeling intense lower back pain the Monday of Holy Week (late March, when I had a lot of piano gigs!!). I went to see a chiropractor right away. She could only do minimal treatments for the back b/c of the cancer that is in my spine and ribs; she was fearful of breaking my bones. So I experienced some relief, but .... well, not really. Then my mid-back started to hurt -- BIG TIME; thought I might have pulled the muscles myself. But it is now almost a month, and the back pain is still so intense that I had to seek out pain med help from my oncologist.

PAIN can change so many things: hopefulness turns to hopelessness, joy turns to anguish. And the whole time you know it's just the pain, but you can't help it. You feel like it's the end, not the beginning. You can no longer "talk yourself out of" any funk you are in. The entire month of April was like that for me. I had a birthday; didn't care. Was finally doing Vitamin C therapy; didn't care. Spring was coming; didn't care.

So when (son) Nick and I met with the oncologist on Thursday seeking pain med assistance, she pretty much asserted that the pain was probably cancer-related, bone-related, spine/rib-related, maybe liver related. I had to face the music; face the reality; with pain leading the way -- time to go back on chemo. Never Say Never. The doc had suggested some different chemo therapies; I just picked one and said "let's go with it."

The heavy-duty pain meds the doc prescribed did nothing for the pain; and they made me nauseous. So I am back to square one with the big P. Nick is trying to find me a place to procure medical marijuana. If anyone can help us with that for the state of Maryland, please let us know.

Back to weekly chemo next week -- same as last time, three weeks on, one week off. One positive thing: they can use the PICC line I had surgically installed for  my vitamin C infusions. No arm-pricking! Nice to find a silver lining.

I will seek out more silver linings; I promise. Meanwhile, I think I feel that I am on a downhill trajectory. It is inevitable. Not to be avoided. More on those little philosophies later. Keep praying this prayer: TAKE THE PAIN AWAY!!!