Children -- Why do We Have Them?

There are probably as many answers to this question as there are children.

A lot of people have children as accidents of nature; maybe they never wanted any in the first place. Yup it happens. But more likely than not, once that child arrives, he/she is welcomed and loved and nurtured and celebrated. Amazing, isn't it? What we thought we didn't really want or need becomes the fulfillment of a dream.

Some may plan -- for years and years, sometimes -- to have a child. They crave the joy of holding that infant, changing that diaper, playing with that toddler in the backyard. The children come and that joy is fulfilled.

I am a mother. I have two children. I was among the "planners." I wanted the family, I welcomed it, I dove into the role headfirst. It was wonderful. I am lucky to have seen my children grow into successful adults, contributors to society and making a difference in the world.

I also have two terrific grandsons, the miraculous result of having a child who, in turn, wanted children. What a bonus!

Now.... here is the best reason of all to have children: They will reflect back to you what you have been to them --  they love you as much as you have loved them all of those years of growing up. Many jokingly refer to this as "payback."

Today I am calling this THE GREAT REWARD.

My children, Erin and Nick, are rallying around me as I go through my pain. They have descended upon me this weekend like teenage groupies on a boy band! Vacuuming, shaking out rugs, changing sheets on beds, sorting mounds and mounds of papers, sorting supplements and meds, food supplies, and clothing. My daughter is the queen of organization. My son has already done a yeoman's job, learning how to flush my PICC line with saline and Heparin, accompanying me to doc visits and medical procedures, applying "bio-freeze" to my aching back, figuring out how to download forms for handicapped parking tags. At the moment, he is scrubbing the bathroom floor as Erin continues to organize the kitchen and prepare food. When I "had" my children, I really had no idea what angels of mercy they would become.

Children -- why do we have them? They give us something to care for; and they care for us. They learn from us; and we from them. What better reason?

Never Say Never

When first traveling this road, I used to say "I will never take chemotherapy." Then two years ago, I went on IV chemo. Never Say Never? Once off of that (just last February), I decided to give the vitamin C a try. I wanted to say Never Chemo, Ever Again. But I didn't actually say it. I just thought it, hoping that my condition would improve.

Well, if the vitamin C infusions have helped, I will never know it. I have gone off of the C therapy earlier than I had planned and am back on chemo.

How did this happen?

I hurt my back. Or.... maybe I didn't actually hurt it myself; maybe the little "twinges" I was feeling in my lower back and hip were the cancer lesions in the bone and spine just waiting to grab me? In any case, they have REALLY grabbed me. I started feeling intense lower back pain the Monday of Holy Week (late March, when I had a lot of piano gigs!!). I went to see a chiropractor right away. She could only do minimal treatments for the back b/c of the cancer that is in my spine and ribs; she was fearful of breaking my bones. So I experienced some relief, but .... well, not really. Then my mid-back started to hurt -- BIG TIME; thought I might have pulled the muscles myself. But it is now almost a month, and the back pain is still so intense that I had to seek out pain med help from my oncologist.

PAIN can change so many things: hopefulness turns to hopelessness, joy turns to anguish. And the whole time you know it's just the pain, but you can't help it. You feel like it's the end, not the beginning. You can no longer "talk yourself out of" any funk you are in. The entire month of April was like that for me. I had a birthday; didn't care. Was finally doing Vitamin C therapy; didn't care. Spring was coming; didn't care.

So when (son) Nick and I met with the oncologist on Thursday seeking pain med assistance, she pretty much asserted that the pain was probably cancer-related, bone-related, spine/rib-related, maybe liver related. I had to face the music; face the reality; with pain leading the way -- time to go back on chemo. Never Say Never. The doc had suggested some different chemo therapies; I just picked one and said "let's go with it."

The heavy-duty pain meds the doc prescribed did nothing for the pain; and they made me nauseous. So I am back to square one with the big P. Nick is trying to find me a place to procure medical marijuana. If anyone can help us with that for the state of Maryland, please let us know.

Back to weekly chemo next week -- same as last time, three weeks on, one week off. One positive thing: they can use the PICC line I had surgically installed for  my vitamin C infusions. No arm-pricking! Nice to find a silver lining.

I will seek out more silver linings; I promise. Meanwhile, I think I feel that I am on a downhill trajectory. It is inevitable. Not to be avoided. More on those little philosophies later. Keep praying this prayer: TAKE THE PAIN AWAY!!!

On the Road Again

Originally (and I know some of you have followed this litany from the first post in 2013) I began this journey taking the "off-road" track: starting with mistletoe, going to a clinic in Tijuana, rejecting chemo. Hence, my naming this blog the Road Less Traveled. Since then, I have taken many detours and most recently have subjected my body to several big pharma chemo drugs in my war on cancer.

On this most recent off-road track (the chemo track), my cancer has progressed.... sometimes slowly..... but definitely on the downward trend. After coming off of the most recent IV chemo drug (Taxol, the standard for breast cancer), a PET scan was administered. The results were not good: the liver lesions have increased in size and number. This helped my decision to get off of the Taxol -- not only to give my bowels (and my body in general) a break, but because it obviously was NOT keeping the cancer under control.

What to do? Well, ever since my return from the clinic in Tijuana in September of '13, I have wanted to re-try vitamin C IV therapy. Why? Because in December of '13 (I think I documented this more thoroughly in an early blog -- see archives), I saw a Bio-feedback practitioner who helped determine that the therapy that did the most benefit for me in Tijuana was (to my surprise, quite honestly) the IV vitamin C. Even though I attended the clinic in Tijuana for only 3 weeks, an amazing amount of progress was made on my very sore, swollen, and visibly inflamed breast; soreness was gone, swelling and inflammation were greatly reduced after only a week-and-a-half.

Why did I never try IV vitamin C after I learned this news of its success? Because evidently taking vitamin C can keep chemo from "doing its job." It is contra-indicated as a viable treatment when on chemo (per oncologist).

So now that I am off of the chemo, I am on IV vitamin C therapy. It was difficult finding any places that offer such treatment; I ended up going to NIHA (National Integrated Health Associates), a place I have always avoided.... had heard some good/some not so good about the place. I just grabbed the first place I could find b/c I wanted to get going on this ASAP. So after an arduous process of getting the whole thing in place, I am now on IV vitamin C therapy (alternating with hydrogen peroxide) three times a week. The schedule is grueling, the cost is astronomical (all out of pocket -- no more Medicare coverage).

I have 3 IV sessions per week, each one about 2-3 hours in length (almost twice as long as the IV chemo was). In order to save $$ on parking ($9 per visit!!!), I have been taking the Ride-On bus from Silver Spring to Friendship Heights (location of NIHA). Found out you can get an old-fart SmartTrip bus pass; bus trip costs only $1 during rush hour and it's FREE non-rush! (cool, huh? getting old CAN be awesome!)

Started all of this vitamin C-stuff on March 14. Plan is to go 12-16 weeks, then schedule another PET scan and monitor progress. We shall see what we shall see. Meanwhile -- pray, hope, and live each day to the max. Liver lesions or no, I am enjoying spring and music-making.