Hope in a Storm

The head nurse in the Infusion Room (I call it the "wig room") at my oncologist's office is a fireball of energy. His name is Aaron and he runs a tight ship. He is also a ray of sunshine and a breath of fresh air. He wears Dr. Seuss lab shirts ("One Fish Two Fish" is my fave). He has a quotation board on which he writes words of wisdom and encouragement for the patients to read while they are receiving their poison. I thought I should share one of his latest offerings -- it's one of the best so far:

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about." -- Haruki Murakami

Pretty heavy stuff, ay?

In my last two posts, I have reported that there is very little to report. The areas of cancer that still exist are considered "stable." That's the word they use. Stable. They never say, "You're getting better" or "I think we're making progress." The doc just says that everything looks stable and that stable is "good."

Ok. That's cool. I get it. The chemo has had an effect, but if I want to stay alive, I have to be on this for the rest of my life? No one actually says that; but it's certainly implied. Chemo is NOT a cure; it's a TREATMENT.

I would like a better prognosis. I am seeking other options. I'm pretty sure that if I want a respite from this chemo / study drug treatment (I am into the 20th month of this now!), I am going to have to take charge. I am going to have to formulate a plan; no one else will do this for me.

I now quote Dr. Robertson Ward, a practicing doctor in Illinois who has written a book about molecular cell biology (more on that in another blog, perhaps). In an introductory video on his website, he says this: "Some of you have been told, 'well, you're just gonna have to live with it.' And your level of hope has perhaps been shattered or diminished greatly. Hope is really belief coupled with a plan." I am seeking that plan. More to come as I seek and learn.